SIS called her sister PHI MOOs last night to bale out of watching "24." It would be just too embarrassing so soon after The Foxfield Races. SIS was so depressed that she headed on down to the MacMadcowdoggies Feed Lot to do some serious grazing. She loves Mad Macs. They have the biggest and best bacon-wrapped corndogs in Albemarle County. SIS was working on her seventh corndog when her cell phone WA-M-o-o-ed. It was MOOF.
SIS couldn't say anything because her mouth was full of food. MOOF jumped right in and told SIS he still loved her. SIS took a big gulp (her eighth bacon-wrapped corndog) and asked "What about Trish?" MOOF explained that Trish needed some help with her iMac. The reason he didn't come back was Trish had blown her hard drive from downloading and playing so many videos of herself. MOOF felt sorry for her so he stayed and fixed Trish's hard drive.
SIS took another big gulp (her ninth bacon-wrapped corndog) and asked "What about The Foxfield Races?" MOOF explained to SIS that the reason he went to the races was he knew SIS would be there. The BULL in the blue slut dress invited him and paid for his ticket. MOOF started knocking down straight shots of Jack Daniels when he saw SIS going into the President's Tent with the rich fat cowboy. MOOF lost it when the rich fat cowboy started nuzzling SIS' back. The only reason MOOF didn't get arrested is he was covered with manure from running The Trough and no one could stand to get near him.
MOOF told SIS he was sorry and really, really missed her. He even offered to pay for a new slut dress out of his winnings from running The Trough. Also, he asked SIS for a date on Cinco de Mayo. SIS was so happy. She always asked MOOF on dates. This was the first time MOOF had asked SIS out. MAYBE SIS WILL GET LUCKY ON CINCO DE MAYO!
TALLY-M-o-o-o! As you probably guessed, SIS was raring to go to The Foxfield Races by the time her PHI MOO sisters got to her house. They still had to shave SIS's back (she can't reach it). SIS is very hairy because her mom is a Scottish Highland Cow and on special occasions the PHI MOOs do the dirty deed. Once again, those PHI MOOs SURE DO COME THROUGH!
By the time SIS got her back shaved and her new slut dress on she was pretty excited. The BULLS would be so jealous of how she looked. She was sure there would be a rich fat cowboy who would invite her into the President's Tent for an Alabama Slammer or two. Also, it rained all morning and truth be told those Virginia Tech cowdoggies aren't the only ones who like to roll in the mud! The BULLS do a real job of mucking it up and SIS was hoping they would make fools of themselves like they usually do.
It was an overcast, chilly day and SIS was feeling it without the hair on her back. She soon forgot the cold because a BULL standing in front of her in line at the armband tent wearing a low-cut, blue slut dress made a risky offer to a tent staffer, "If I show my boobs, can I get a bracelet?" HE TURNED HER DOWN. Yeah, dogey! Those BULLS sure don't have much class. IT GET'S WORSE. SIS saw MOOF waiting for the slut wearing the blue dress. What a dog! He knew it would make SIS mad to see him with a BULL. It did kind of make her mad but she was really glad to be rid of MOOF. He never paid for anything and he was always saying embarrassing things.
Everything was wonderful. The pasture was so green on this side of the fence. SIS was very impressed with the crowd. Everyone seemed like they were behaving. SIS wasn't even mad at the BULLS anymore. All of a sudden SIS noticed a really cute fat cowboy looking at her. She felt very pretty so she smiled. Pretty soon the fat cowboy came up to her and asked her to go and have a drink with him in the President's Tent. SIS could not believe it. Wait until the PHI MOOs see her in the President's Tent with a rich fat cowboy. SIS smiled again. It really does pay to get your back shaved for special occasions.
The rich fat cowboy brought SIS three Alabama Slammers. She knocked all three drinks down in about sixty seconds. SIS was in heaven (she had always wanted to do that). The rich fat cowboy was standing close, nuzzling her newly-shaven back. It was so romantic. Then SIS heard a really loud, weird howl. It sounded like MOOF and he sounded drunk. It was MOOF and he was drunk. He ran by SIS howling "I have to go pee in The Trough." "Oh no" she thought. By the time SIS got to The Trough MOOF had peed and was in a starting position to run The Trough. The ante was up to $700.00. SIS was pretty tipsy and before she could say WA-M-o-o! MOOF had run The Trough, lost control and slid right into SIS. SHE WENT DOWN HARD. The BULLS were WA-M-o-o-ing their dairy-ères off.
SIS woke up in jail. She was one of the few arrested at The Foxfield Races for public drunkeness. SIS was covered with dried manure. Another slut dress ruined. She was going to make MOOF pay for a new one since the whole mess was his fault. SIS thought "SCREW THE RACES, I DON'T WATCH 'EM ANYWAY."
WA-M-o-o! The PHI MOOs came over early to SIS's house to watch "24". The news was on and SIS finally found out her favorite country band, The Dixie Chicks, were in big trouble (SIS hardly ever watches the news). SIS isn't mad at The Dixie Chicks. She guesses getting naked on the cover of next week's Entertainment Weekly magazine is a good "I'm sorry" for what they said about Texas. Boy, are The Dixie Chicks dumb.
SIS didn't feel like watching "24" after the bad news about the stupid Dixie Chicks, so she started drinking. The PHI MOOs rented a keg. By the time "24" came on SIS was passed out on the floor. OH THOSE STUPID DIXIE CHICKS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. SIS was feeling pretty good yesterday after her PHI MOO sisters were so nice to her on Friday, so she rode the free Charlottesville Trolley to the Amphitheater at the East End of the Charlottesville Downtown Mall to see Delbert McClinton, that Texas juke joint cowboy singer/songwriter, at the Dogwood (SIS loves pink dogwood trees) Blues Festival. The Rolling Stone review said his music was "breathtaking, hardcore roadhouse rhythm and blues." SIS liked the hardcore roadhouse part. She wore her everyday cowgirl hat and a really cute little navy skirt to match with a cowdoggie T-shirt. SIS was sure that a fat cowboy roadie would notice her. SHE WAS WRONG.
SIS meant to go to church this morning but she stayed up until 3:00 a.m. and got so drunk last night that she didn't wake up until Noon. So SIS went roaming The Corner. She was so happy that Dixie Divas was open on Easter Sunday (never know when a cowdoggie might need a slut dress). SIS tried to fix the slut dress that got ripped at Budda's with glue. IT DIDN'T WORK. WA-M-o-o! Did she find the perfect new slut dress at Dixie Divas.
SIS is going to have a great week. Watching "24" on television Tuesday night at 8:00 p.m. on the FX Network (watering and feeding on pitchers of beer and fried pork rinds) is a regular PHI MOO sister act. Cowdoggies love Kim because she is always getting into trouble and that Keifer Sutherland is really cute. Going to The Foxfield Races next Saturday, the 26th, is a big-deal PHI MOO sister act. The James Madison University ("JMU") Alpha Sigma Tau ("BULLS") sisters will be there too and SIS is mad, mad, mad at the BULLS. A BULLS sister told the JMU Breeze newspaper, "The whole alcohol policy wouldn't affect our sorority going or not; it's a social event. I'm going because it's a sister event that all of us go to, and I get to spend more time with my sisters." WHAT A BIG LIAR. The BULLS are just trying to make the PHI MOOs look bad. The BULLS love to get drunk just like everyone else and that's the real reason they go to The Foxfield Races.
SIS is also mad, mad, mad at the mean old Alcoholic Beverage Control ("ABC") Board. She can't figure out why the ABC doesn't want her to get drunk at The Foxfield Races. Everybody knows that horse people get drunk all the time. SIS was born in hunt country and has gone to lots of races and foxhunts. Foxhunts start early in the morning and are really fun. SIS loves foxhounds too. Her blood really boils and her heart pounds at the baying (sort of like howling) of the hounds. Also, there is plenty of Southern Comfort to drink. Sometimes SIS used to get to serve the biggest, fattest cowboy (Master of the Foxhunt) who was in the saddle glasses of bourbon. Lots of riders get really drunk and fall off their horses. SIS can hardly wait until Saturday. She hopes her favorite horse, Northern Cowboy, will be running. WA-M-o-o!
GIT READY FOR A BIG DOSE OF DRUNKEN DRAMA. SIS spent the whole afternoon getting ready for her first big night out at Budda's. Let's not forget that SIS' dad was a cowdog so when the full moon came out she couldn't help howling up a storm. You could hardly see her black eye because she decided to use purple eyeshadow. Next to pink purple is her favorite color. SIS broke down and went shopping at Dixie Divas for a new utterly slutty hot pink party dress which matched her new slut bag (SIS likes things to match). She tied pink bows to her braids, shaved her legs with her new Gillette Passion Pink Venus razor, (SIS likes things new) and dabbed on lots of her Dirty Girl sparkling triple whipped cream (it really glitters). It was really good that SIS looked so pretty because she bumped into some of her PHI MOO sisters at Budda's and they were so jealous.
Anyway, SIS and her PHI MOO sisters were on their second pitcher of beer each when SIS noticed a big fat cowboy at the bar eyeing her. She hoofed over to him and planted a big fat kiss right on his lips. SIS doesn't believe in wasting time making time. All of a sudden from out of nowhere came a very mad cowdoggie who was there with the big fat cowboy. As usual, SIS didn't stop to think that maybe the big fat cowboy was on a date.
Everything happened so fast after that. The mad cowdoggie started swinging and punched SIS right in her good eye. "Oh no" SIS thought, another black eye. Pretty soon everybody was fighting. SIS was cow-ering in a corner and WA-M-o-o-ing because she is very gentle and doesn't like violence. The police came and took them all to jail. SIS woke up the next morning in jail with another black eye and a big rip in her new dress. She didn't smell very good either. Someone dumped a pitcher of beer on her head. WA-M-o-o!
SIS wasn't worried. As soon as she got out of jail she went home, washed her hair, took a bath and shaved her legs. SIS has to shave every day because her mom is a Scottish Highland cow and her legs are very hairy. That Gillette Passion Pink Venus razor gives a really smooth shave! She was very happy because her PHI MOO sisters had already made a flyer and passed it out all over the UVA Campus and The Corner. It said "SIS IS THE BEST BIG SISTER EVER!!!!" Those PHI MOO's sure do come through.
IT GETS WORSE. SIS was on her third pitcher of beer at Coupe's last night, which is more than she is used to drinking, when in walks Moof with Trish. SIS thought she would die. She couldn't believe Moof would bring anybody else to Coupe's. SIS was destroyed. She stumbled out and tripped on the steps. She hit the iron rail hard but SIS was so drunk she didn't even feel it. The next thing SIS knew, she was in her own bed and it was morning. Also, she had a huge black eye from when she fell the night before.
It was then that SIS decided to never go to Coupe's again. Moof messed up everything when he brought Trish. SIS feels sad when she thinks of all the good times she had with Moof at Coupe's, getting drunk, dancing the Texas Two Step, and singing along with songs like The Gambler, Sweet Caroline, and Blue Jeans Baby. But SIS knows its time to move on. Git along little cowdoggie.
SIS decided her new beer barn would be Budda's (Buddist Biker Bar). Much classier. SIS started to get excited. Now she can carry her new sequined slut bag and there are tons of fat cowboys watering at Budda's. Fat cowboys get really, really, really drunk too. SIS can't wait until tomorrow night. She is going to get gussied up in her favorite color pink, stay off the feed bag, and go to Budda's. She will wear lots of extra makeup to cover the black eye, but she figures that maybe the black eye might look kind of glamorous, Budda's being a biker bar and all. The moon will be full tomorrow night so SIS should have a really wild time. WA-M-o-o!
Okay, y'all, here comes some really bad news. SIS thought that a good way to get back with MOOF would be to take him to the WWE smackdown last night at the University of Virginia's University Hall, on Mr. Jefferson's birthday, to see none other than her favorite wrestler Trish Stratus. SIS got really good seats (expensive too) so she could see Trish kick butt, which she did. SIS even wore her special pink cowgirl hat because she knew MOOF really liked it. What SIS didn't count on was that Trish would ask MOOF to join her after the match. Apparently Trish took one look at him and was immediately attracted (who woulda thunk?). Since MOOF was still peeved about SIS getting branded on his favorite part of her body, he accepted. Also, Trish IS A BABE! So, MOOF left SIS sitting alone in her seat and never came back. She was WA-M-o-o-ing her eyes out and the last thing we heard was that SIS was seen hoofing over to, you guessed it, Coupe's to, you guessed it again, GET DRUNK. Looks like Trish won't be kicking the little backstabbing rustler's butt now. Things just never seem to go right for SIS.
SIS is really embarrassed. She was out and about on the University of Virginia corner last night and ran into some of her cowdoggie girlfriends who talked her into having a couple of pitchers of beer at Coupe's. This reporter hasn't heard the whole story, because SIS is very upset, and isn't talking. Well, long story short, the ACME TATTOO parlor is right next door to Coupe's and you guessed it, SIS got BRANDED, right on her her dairy-ère!
MOOF is really mad at SIS. One of her cowdoggie girlfriends (very jealous) spammed him at 2:00 a.m. to tell him the news. Come to find out that this little rustler is the one who herded SIS to the tattoo parlor; she's been trying to lasso MOOF from the first time she laid eyes on him. SIS is thinking of asking Trish Stratus to come to Charlottesville to kick that little two-timing backstabber's butt. SIS has been spamming MOOF all day but he won't answer her. So, she has been drowning her sorrows with bacon-wrapped corndogs, and WA-M-o-o-ing up a storm. Also, that darn brand really smarts so SIS is drinking again to kill the pain.
